


Soundtrack Series

by muse_of_mbaku



Series: Soundtrack Series [1]
Category: Black Panther (2018)
Genre: Angst, Character(s) of Color, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, No Dialogue, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-06-04 21:20:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15155873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muse_of_mbaku/pseuds/muse_of_mbaku
Summary: Two years ago, Erik left Noelle without a word. Now their paths have crossed again.





	1. Blame Game

**Author's Note:**

> Bold text are lyrics. No dialogue on purpose.

Recommended Listening: Blame Game by Kanye West

**_You weren't perfect but you made life worth it//Stick around, some real feelings might surface//Been a long time since I spoke to you…_ **

 

These are the moments Noelle remembers what their love once felt like. 

_A warmth of air through the windows of a black Mustang. The electric heat of his chest against her back in the hazy dark of Oakland._

But he hadn’t loved her then. She just hadn’t known. Noelle had learned that sometimes the fumes are all that remain. At the time, she never quite understood when her arms wrapped his neck why it felt as if she was trying to hold onto a ghost. Nor had she understood why the nights leading up to his disappearance he’d left his side of the bed cool and untouched. Understanding had finally settled on her shoulders when the high pitched shrill of disconnection let her know the break was complete.

Across the room, chestnut eyes focused directly on her, was a specter Noelle thought she buried two years ago. Erik. The Erik who’d brought her out her shell with his confidence and support. The Erik who pushed her to pursue her dreams and stop letting crippling impostor syndrome hinder her. The same Erik who’d made her feel like the world stopped when she was in the room. Until one day his world had picked up with such speed she was thrown far out of his reach. That Erik looked angry. And despite the years between them, she knew that anger was directly related to the man handing her a drink. 

Of course, as the grapevine had always let her know, there was a woman at his side. One who looked a little like her, just a hair smaller. Something deep in her chest smiled knowing he was trying to replace her. But by the looks of the tension between the two it wasn’t going well. Noelle accepted the drink being offered and sipped before dropping her eyes. She may have been bolstered by Erik’s attempts at cloning her, but what she didn’t want was him crossing the room and bringing all of the energy she once craved with him. Somehow Noelle knew that by the end of the night that would be a forgone conclusion. 

Soothed by the vodka the man at her side provided, Noelle ran a shaky hand down her thighs. It was almost time for her to take the stage. This night, two years in the making, was supposed to be about her. The evening Erik failed to come home and all the evenings thereafter, Noelle had poured every bit of her frustration, fear, shame, and heartbreak into prose. Some of it had been unbearable to read back. Sometimes those journals were one word entries. Tired. Done. Finished. But those daily entries buoyed her against the tides of abandonment Erik had left her with. And eventually those words morphed into something beautiful. Now, piled high on a table in the corner was her book, a collection of essays mined from those entries. It was a story of her healing and hopefully an outlet for those who would read it. Tonight, whether or not Erik ultimately ruined it, was hers. 

Noelle felt the heat rise in her cheeks as she was introduced. It was always odd to hear her name followed by a list of accomplishments. Wading into a smattering of applause, Noelle tucked herself behind the podium, adjusted the mic, and shuffled her notes. She closed her eyes briefly before speaking. For the weeks she’d practiced in her mirror, reading the section she’d selected obsessively, Noelle had expected time to slow down. Instead, she felt as if she was moving in hyperdrive. But it felt good and before she knew it she was giving her thank you to the crowd. She felt high. Noelle had never experienced the rush of performance and she was close to thinking she was hooked.

As to be expected there were plenty of people to thank and a seemingly endless stream of hands to shake. Noelle embraced it all. This moment was exactly what she’d worked for. When the docent assigned to her guided her to the book table, Noelle stopped the employee briefly and made them snap a photo of her next to it. It was silly, but this memory she needed in hard copy. And so it began, a steady line of people relating to her through heartbreak and survival. In all the support flowing around her, Noelle had almost forgotten the catalyst for it all was standing just out of the corner of her eye. He was staring at her again. She could feel it. 

The crowd starting to dwindle, Noelle made small talk with those who remained. Around her, the room started to clear and things were being packed and stored. She made a move to gather one of the remaining books to return to its shipping box when a thick finger pressed onto the cover and slid the book away. When the small jolt of surprise subsided, her eyes swept upward directly into the face of the man she’d hoped had disappeared into the night.

She watched him turn the volume over in his hand and scan the price on the back. Then he rustled his wallet out of his pocket and fluttered more than double the cost onto the table. Noelle was not impressed. She gathered the appropriate amount and slid the rest back in his direction. He huffed and stuffed the bills back into his wallet. Noelle cringed as he roughly cracked the spine of the book and opened it to the title page. He gestured for her to sign it. She hesitated, not knowing exactly what to write. When he’d first left her, she had more words than she knew what to do with. She’d wanted to curse him, shame him, make him feel a fraction of the pain she had. But now, with the object of her anger in her face, she was drawing a blank. 

She studied him for a bit, felt something crackle between them. The words formed in her mind. 

Love cannot thrive on passion alone. It must be nurtured, not starved. 

She slid the book towards him and waited for her words to register. Noelle noted the tick in his jaw, how the angle of it became more defined as he clenched it. His brow was furrowed. In another life, she would have reached for him and soothed the conflict she could clearly read in his body. Instead, she continued to gather the rest of the books and stack them in their boxes. When she was done, she rose to leave the table. Something in her, something very foolish, brushed by him and laid a hand on his arm as goodbye. She made it only a few steps when she heard him call her name. 

 

**_We walk away like strangers in the street//Gon' for eternity//We erased one another//So far from where we came//With so much of everything, how do we leave with nothing…_ **

It was by complete happenstance that Erik learned of Noelle’s reading. He’d been bored, scrolling social media while the television droned on in the background when a stylized promo post caught his eye. When he spied her name, in bold white script against a maroon background, his heart skipped more than a few beats. It felt silly to be stilled by someone he’d willingly walked away from without a word. But it happened. He’d clicked on her username, hoping that her profile wasn’t private. It hadn’t been and he was glad. Careful not to call attention to himself by accidently liking a post, he spent the next hour scrolling her pictures. Erik wasn’t surprised she used her account as some sort of photo journal. 

There were very few selfies, mainly photos of what she’d eaten, places she’d been, and things she’d done. An unearned sense of pride had settled in as he scrolled. She hadn’t stopped living despite the devastation he knew he’d caused. He noted only a few posts with cryptic texts. Those had come shortly after his departure. He’d considered following her but knew all that would do would get him blocked or cursed out. Instead, he’d doubled back to one of the most recent pictures, an author’s photo. He’d smiled wider than he had a in a very long time. 

Noelle had always been beautiful, but time had started to slip away the details of her face and her voice was rapidly becoming a whisper he could scarcely hear. The photo, a black and white candid, had been taken from outside a coffee shop. She was looking down into the splayed pages of a book with a hint of smile on her face. It was like watching her from afar, something he’d wanted to do for the last two years. Erik memorized the small bits of her that had been lost in the chaos of his life post-Noelle. He’d missed her. Missed the way her fingers were slightly crooked. Longed to hear the way her laugh lingered in his ears. Wanted to smell the lavender on her skin. Missed the way she slept with her knees drawn against her belly as he spooned her. He wanted her. 

But pride has a grip that’s hard to escape and that very pride was what had Erik calling one of the many options he had to serve as his date. His mind had gone into overdrive. Just because she didn’t use her social media to showcase her relationship, it didn’t mean she didn’t have one. Erik had wanted to be prepared to save face if there was someone who’d taken his place. That date had gone downhill once he entered the lecture hall and felt his attention pulled across the room. That spark, the thing they always joked had brought them together, was still there. The spark had threatened to burn out of control when he spied the man who was handing her a drink. Unable to check his distraction for more than a few moments at a time, his date had taken an early exit, leaving Erik a chance to take a seat at the back of the room. 

When she read he felt ashamed. There was no mistaking the rawness between her words. There had been no way he could shirk away from the fact he’d sent her heart into a tailspin and it had taken her months to pull back some semblance of control. So, he stood in his shame and listened to every word. He wouldn’t allow himself to zone out and miss a single syllable of what she shared with the room. When she was done, he rose to his feet in applause with the rest of the audience. Then, he’d milled about while she was her usual gracious self, signing books and chatting with admirers. Pride had almost made him leave before she noticed he was still there, but that damn spark wouldn’t let him be. Before he’d known it, he was standing before her and being a jerk by tossing cash onto the table. He hadn’t known why he’d done so. Maybe it was nerves. Perhaps it was a way to show her that he respected her work. It had backfired. 

Her inscription broke a bit of his spirit because he knew that was what he’d done to her. Starved her. Given her scraps of attention until he was so far removed from her life that he felt it better to leave than to explain. He wasn’t well then. He’d been grasping onto the straws of his life and the undertow of what he was in the midst of was so strong he knew he would have drowned her too. Erik hadn’t known how to let her in nor had he known how to speak out that he was breaking. Under his confidence he’d watched Noelle flourish. How could he have told her that her rock was now crumbling? 

The burn of her hand against his arm was his undoing. His skin had hummed at the brief contact. She wanted to go so he’d let her. He owed her that. Erik only last three heartbeats before he called her name. 

 

**_Things used to be, now they not//Anything but us is who we are…_ **


	2. Stay

Recommended Listening: Stay by Rihanna 

 

**_All along it was a fever. A cold sweat, hot headed believer, I threw my hands and said show me something. He said if you dare come a little closer…_ **

Erik was afraid she wouldn’t stop, but when he turned his body away from the book table he found her there. He watched Noelle’s hands curl and uncurl at her sides before she rotated to face him. He noted the stiffness in her body, the way her breath barely seemed to make its way through her slightly parted lips. Instinct called for him to go to her, but he stayed rooted in place. Erik was afraid if he ventured a step towards her she’d run. He often joked with her that she was a deer. Skittish. Hyperaware of her surroundings. Hard to catch. It had taken him months of friendship before Noelle had become comfortable enough with him to let him take her on a proper date. But when she’d opened to him, it had been life changing. With her, he’d figured out a way to quiet some of his demons. Some of those ghosts he’d even vanquished. 

Noelle had loved him. Those nights he’d awaken in a cold sweat, the wounds of war hovering behind his eyelids, she’d been the one touching him with tentative hands until he melted into her touch. During their time together, Erik had been as open as he could be. It wasn’t enough, but it was all he had at the time. He’d been able to give her his body, his time, and his trust, but only a portion of his heart. That was what had eventually driven her from him. The night he’d left, the hours he spent sitting in his car had been to convince himself it was the best course of action to simply let her be. He’d been sure there was nothing he could offer her, no future that didn’t involve his demons springing up because of triggers he couldn’t control. 

Erik had never wanted to place the burden of being his healer onto her shoulders, but that became her role in his mind and in his heart. Before him now was the woman who through the simplest of acts had made his life better. She was glowing and even if that glow didn’t quite reach her eyes at the moment, he knew that she’d taken care of herself over the last two years. That spark was still crackling between them. He felt it, knew she had, too. Their standoff was stone-faced. Neither of them cracked a smile, spoke, or made a move towards the other. All Erik wanted to do was close the small distance between them and bring them chest to chest. He opened his mouth to call her name a second time when a docent stuffed his voice back into his throat. 

He watched helplessly as Noelle was pulled further from his grasp and directed towards who he could only assume was the board of directors who’d asked her to appear. The stone of her face broke into a bright smile that made his heart lurch a bit. Erik leaned his body against the book table with his legs outstretched before him. He wasn’t going anywhere. Even from across the room, he could make out the furtive glances she threw in his direction each time the laughter of the group rose and fell. Erik knew her real laugh, the one that sounded like silver and rain. The sound floating across the room and into his ears was not that laughter. This one was canned, sounded forced and like a code switch if he ever heard one. He knew Noelle hated that. She hated having to make her voice round and her edges soft. She was a sweetheart, but she was also very much a black woman in a world that was more than willing to silence her in every way possible. 

When a few moments extended into a half hour, Erik went into rescue mode. He knew his Noelle and by the posture of her body her knew she was at the end of her rope. One arm was braced across her middle section, the other propped against it to rest her chin in her palm. She was nodding, but now even the forced laughter was gone and she’d reverted to hums of agreeance and closed mouth noises to fill in conversational silences. Drawing himself to his full height, Erik ignored the crack of his knees as he rose and strode towards the group that was hindering the rest of his reunion with Noelle. When the shadow of his body and energy entered the group’s space, he noticed how the others surrounding Noelle faces changed, their conversation coming to an abrupt halt. He saw the sheen of pleading in Noelle’s eyes and knew that she’d rather face him than continue to be forced to glad hand and bury a portion of her spirit. She raised her eyebrow and Erik took that as a queue to intervene. 

The rumble of his voice broke the silence. He made a flimsy excuse about needing to speak with her, knew that none of them would question the large black man reaching his hand through the cluster of their bodies to clasp hers. When their fingers connected, Erik felt the spark arc between them again and pulled her gently. He listened to the lilt of her voice saying goodbye and promising to send e-mails by the end of the week. He didn’t care what she was saying. He was simply glad for the music of her voice and the feel of her palm against his. When he’d made sure her items were all gathered and she’d been paid what she was owed via wire transfer, Erik guided her out of the lecture hall and into the corridor that had finally emptied of spectators and fans. He turned to her then, ready to spill what he had been holding in all night, but Noelle had simply smiled at him again and made a direct line for the nearest exit. He called her name a second time and waited or her to stop. She turned, walked backwards for a few beats while laughing. When she turned again, Erik jogged after her, his calls for her to stop echoing in the emptiness around them.

 

**_Funny you’re the broken one, but I’m the only one who needed saving…_ **

Why Noelle even touched Erik was a mystery to her. She hadn’t intended to, but when she’d brushed by him the heat of his body had drawn her in as it always had. He was dangerous. Even two years, and endless nights of heartbreak, wasn’t quite enough to get her body to stop reacting to him. Noelle hadn’t wanted to acknowledge the jolt that shot through her hand when the flat of it pressed against a bicep markedly larger than when he’d left. She’d chose to ignore the way her stomach had flipped and her knees had buckled in the slightest way when his voice had caressed her name in a way no one before him or after had ever been able to replicate. 

She’d been grateful when, before he could wash the honey of his voice over her, that the dean of the English department had summoned her to speak about a return engagement. Noelle had nodded and smiled even though her attention was thoroughly on the man propped against the book sale table, his signed copy clutched in one hand. Each time she thought she was glancing his way unnoticed, he’d caught her eye. Erik hadn’t smiled nor smirked. He had simply acknowledged her looks with looks of his own. By the time thirty minutes had passed she was annoyed, tired, and bored. She was tired of watching her -ings and avoiding colloquialisms she’d have to explain. Her body posture was beginning to show that annoyance and before long she knew she would start scrolling through her phone or swaying side to side to avoid the stark boredom of hearing an impromptu board meeting she had no need to be a part of. 

Noelle’s earlier gratefulness had shifted to Erik when she saw him stand fully and walk towards the group. It had been hard not to stare at the way his body dipped and rose with each step. She’d loved every bit of confidence radiating off of him whenever he entered a room. Their eyes had connected and then that honeyed voice, a mixture of Oakland and MIT, had interrupted everything around them. That damn spark got the best of them again when she placed her hand in his. His was soft and calloused at the same time. It was firm and steady and she let it guide her away from the cluster of people and into the empty hallway. 

Part of her was afraid to let Erik close to her. Noelle knew he wanted to engage. She could see the questions in his eyes. She had her questions too but letting a man who’d thrown her away even remotely close to her mind or spirit was walking a thin line between forgiveness and insanity. Which one was winning at the moment she was not sure. What she was sure of was that whatever magic Erik had placed on her while they were together still had a hold on her. Noelle was feeling shaky, knew that if she stayed in Erik’s presence too long that she may forget just how many tears she’d shed. So, she turned to leave him once more, disguising her pain behind laughter and playfulness. She was sure that she was safely away from him when he she felt the vibrations of him running after her and once again the sweetness of her name in his mouth.

Now, Erik was once again holding her hands, holding her away from him in a way that gave him a view of her from head to toe. A smile flickered across his face before he pulled her in swiftly. Noelle wanted to be angry, but the smell of his shirt against her nose and the clutch of his arms around her was like a drug. She wanted more of it even if she knew it was the last thing needed. Erik wasn’t letting go. Instead, he was squeezing her tighter, like he was afraid she was a wisp that would disappear if his grip loosened even a little. Noelle leaned into it. It was wrong, but in the moment she did not care. He smelled good. He was solid. He was there. And he was saying her name like a prayer over and over again. The rumble of his voice through his chest hummed into her soul. Noelle had missed him. 

For two years she’d locked away any feelings she ever had for him. She’d refused to let herself remember the good he’d brought to her life. What she couldn’t forget was the feeling of his body spreading and filling hers or the way his arms had bound her to him in the night or how when she wrote he’d come into the room and drape his body around her shoulders to plant kisses over any exposed skin he could find. There was a time she would have given anything to be exactly where she was. The rumble of Erik’s voice ceased and he pulled back to once again drink in the sight of her. Noelle felt flush. She’d seen that look in his eyes many nights and many mornings. It meant she was in trouble. Trouble was relative, however. When his head dipped towards her Noelle knew what was about to happen. She even had time to move out of the way. It was like he was moving in slow motion. Noelle stayed exactly where she was and let nature, and Erik, take exactly what they wanted. 

Erik always knew exactly how to kiss her. Slowly with just enough pressure to blossom her mouth beneath his until he poured his breath and energy into her. He knew she liked the pressure of his suckling of her bottom lip, how after he was done with her the slight swelling of her mouth let her know she’d tasted like heaven to him. This is how he kissed her now, with a hunger that told her that he’d missed her for longer than they’d been apart. She felt the urgency in his actions, knew that he expected her to run the moment this space in time was completed. 

So, when he dove back in for a second sampling Noelle did not resist. Instead she clung to him in the same desperate way he clung to her and gave all of her fire to him in return. Her arms snaked their way around his neck, her hips pressed closer to his until she bumped against something hard and unyielding. She allowed herself another heartbeat to enjoy the closeness of him, to inhale the scent she’d longed for, and to untangle herself from his arms. It felt cold once she did. Noelle backed away, the click of her heels echoing. He reached for her, his fingertips grazing her forearm as he let out a nearly silent “no”. 

Noelle pointed to the book at his feet, gestured for him to read it. She called down the empty corridor challenging him to find her once he understood. 

 

**_It’s not much of life you’re living. And it’s not something you take, it’s given._ **


	3. Something New

Recommended Listening: Something New by SiR feat. Etta Bond

 

_**You shine your light in the winter, I'll miss the darkest view//Now it's the perfect season, to swim the deepest blue…** _

_Loving Erik was never easy. Noelle had known that from the beginning. She’d felt it from the first moment they’d met._

The view from the ballroom was breathtaking. Noelle had been camped out next to one of the large windows showcasing the twinkling lights of the skyline for at least an hour. Thankfully for her, passed trays of libations and food were circulating at a pretty good clip. She hadn’t needed to move to be sated. She’d made small talk with those guests who ventured over to take selfies and prom style photos in front of the beautiful background. She’d even snapped a few for those brave enough to ask the woman skirting the edge of the festivities around her. 

Noelle had felt gorgeous when she left her apartment late that afternoon. Her skin glowed against the pale pink fabric of her dress. It’s mermaid style accented her hips while the drop waist hid what she was always a bit concerned about. She’d twisted her thick hair into a halo circling her scalp and replaced her usual gold earrings with a bit of sparkle. But underneath the floor length sweep of her gown was a pair of embellished flat sandals. Noelle would be damned if she limped around the party or up the block to catch a car once the evening was done. She may not want to be tossing false smiles at this event, but if she had to she was going to be comfortable. 

She’d been absently scrolling the slim phone plucked from her clutch when a waft of cologne brought her attention fully back into the room. But by the time she’d looked up, all she could see was the broad back of a man moving confidently across the space. His black suit jacket fit him perfectly, like it had been crafted directly onto his body. In one hand, swinging next to his hip, a flute of champagne seemed magnetized to his fingers. Noelle marveled for a split second about how the glass hadn’t slipped from his light grip. His thick hair, dreaded and braided back, gave him edge. Noelle tried to will him to turn around, but apparently her psychic abilities were lacking. 

The second time the cologne caught her attention she was quicker on the draw. This time, the man’s path past her brought him to rest against the window sill directly across from her. He was beautiful. Although his eyes were cast downward, glued to his phone as she’d been to hers, Noelle could tell they were dark, the set of them expressive and magnetic. His jaw was squared. Noelle, even at a distance, could make out the tension in it. His light smattering of beard did nothing to hide the slight twitch of muscle when he gritted his teeth. But his mouth. Thick lips that looked soft in a way to made her a bit weak and almost bold enough to introduce herself if only for the press of them against the back of her hand. He looked up to take a sip of his drink, scanned his eyes across the room like he was looking for someone. If he’d noticed her, or even seen her at all, nothing in his demeanor let on. 

If it was at all possible for a man of his stature and obvious power to be shy, the golden-brown specimen milling about the edges of the party was just that. His grip was now tight around a highball glass of brown liquor. He looked out of place. Not because he wasn’t the most magnetic thing in the room, but because his eyes were still shifting about. Noelle figured he was scoping for an escape route, because she was doing the same. Engagement parties tended to force a false sense of happiness. This man seemed to want none of it. 

Still, the prospect of formally meeting such an intriguing person was too strong to tuck away. What Noelle hoped was that his being there wasn’t her friends’ way of trapping her. They’d been waiting to spring something like this for the longest time. And for as attractive as the stranger was, she didn’t want him to feel obligated to entertain or even speak to her. Unfortunately, Noelle’s fear was coming true.

Her friend, one of the bridal party, pulled her aside and extolled Erik’s good points, glossing over the part where she nearly whispered he was rough around the edges. That roughness Noelle would discover later. She pretended she didn’t notice the quick shuffle of the place cards that sat them directly next to each other. She watched in dismay as all around them obvious couples cooed and coddled. She and the man she now knew as Erik exchanged uneasy smiles. 

He extended his hand towards her and when she accepted it, she felt the earth move. She felt silly because this wasn’t some sort of romance novel. This was real life and in that life once this night was over she was going to peel the salmon colored dress from her body, scrub her face, and scroll her phone in bed like any self-respecting spinster would do. She didn’t have to time to believe that someone like Erik, obviously troubled and virile, would ever give her a second glance in _his_ real life. He’d be cordial for the night. The next morning, he would be a ghost. 

 

_**If I can't find my way back home, we'll make something new…** _

The sting of liquor hit Erik’s throat and radiated warmth throughout his chest. He was on his third drink and he’d likely have a few more just to make it through the rest of the evening. How he’d gotten roped into attending this engagement party for another MIT alum was beyond him. He guessed it was because he’d just returned from yet another secretive job and the prospect of being around a roomful of people who existed in a bubble outside of the horrors of war seemed a good way to reconnect. He’d been wrong. 

All he could think of was just how asinine this all seemed. They were stranding in a room whose rental costs could feed a village for months, maybe even years. They, him included, were drinking top shelf liquor while whole segments of the world thirsted for clean water. He wouldn’t let himself get too deeply into his thoughts about just how much money and privilege floated through the recycled air. All around him, everyone seemed contented, rich, and blissfully ignorant. But he’d promised to be there, so there he was. 

He’d been circling the room like a shark, feeling caged and restless. Most times when his excess energy was overflowing he’d hit the gym or the gun range. Neither option was available tonight. So, he’d made small talk the best he could and settled across the room with a drink. Erik unlocked his phone and pulled up an article he’d left unfinished earlier. If he was going to be wasting his time in a roomful of people comparing vacation homes, salaries, and summer plans at least he could keep his mind stimulated. Pulling a sip of liquid between his lips, he let his eyes scan the room. It was habit. He needed to know where his exits were and who lingered within arm’s reach. On the second pass of his eyes, they paused and then stopped on a tall, brown skinned woman who looked just as uncomfortable as him. She was gorgeous. Erik, in all his annoyance, couldn’t deny that. The color of her dress made her glow and when a waiter stopped to offer her a flute of champagne the brightness of her smile made something in him click.

That was something new. It had been a very long time since Erik had felt anything other than lust towards a woman. And lust was simply a means to an end. That click inside him didn’t feel like that. He considered himself a pretty good judge of character. This woman, one scanning the room as he’d just done, felt calm even at a distance. Calm was elusive for him. As was peace. Even on those nights he slept, there was always the specters of war, death, and abandonment dancing behind his eyes. He racked is brain trying to figure out the last time he felt truly settled. His quick cataloging of his memories was interrupted by one of the night’s hosts. Before he was once again left alone, Erik now knew her name. _Noelle._ At the moment he wasn’t the least bit concerned that she’d been described to him as standoffish and quiet to a fault. All that mattered was that she was his dinner partner for the evening. If he could gather even a little bit of the energy she radiated, Erik knew that his night would get infinitely better. 

 

**_And if everything else falls apart, I still have you//If I can't find my way back home, we'll make something new…_ **


	4. Come Live With Me Angel

Recommended Listening: Come Live With Me Angel by Marvin Gaye

_Before_

_**Good experienced company//Like me who knows all the ways//Is what you need baby//Just you and me locked up for days//After we eat breakfast in bed//Turn on the music for our head…** _

Noelle was never afraid of Erik, just concerned. There was always a shadow behind his eyes. He never seemed quite settled. Even on those lazy days they refused to leave the comfort of the bed, his body always felt coiled. The only time he ever seemed completely at ease was when he curled himself around her, his head pillowed on her chest. He’d try to fight it, but exhaustion would get the best of him and he would sleep fitfully against her. One night, Noelle had stumbled into a collection of words that seemed to soothe him and eventually he’d rested easily. Tonight, was one of those nights.

Erik’s brow was clenched in his sleep, its skin dampened by sweat. It was the heart of summer and he’d insisted on sleeping with the windows open to hear the sounds of the city. Noelle would have much preferred to switch on the air conditioner, but she had to admit the sounds outside eventually turned into a lullaby the both of them craved. Erik’s solid body was draped across hers, his ear to her heart. Noelle’s skin was slick with sweat in the places he covered her. She wanted to move, but she’d observed the weariness in his eyes when he’d come through the door a few hours earlier and sacrificed her comfort for his peace.

She scrolled to her favorite chill playlist and set the volume low before she closed her eyes. She wasn’t sleepy, just anxious to catch a lull in the world. Erik had just returned after weeks away. Weeks he refused to tell her about in terms other than business. But she’d noticed the new scars raised on his forearms and pressed the issue until he’d stopped speaking altogether and closed the door quietly behind him as he left. Now, deep into the night, he was back. Still silent, but there. The last year had taught her that when he was ready to speak then he would.

The music at the proper level, Noelle tucked the phone next to her hip. Her fingers sought the soft thickness of Erik’s hair and dove deeply to his scalp. He stirred and pressed his lips to her belly before settling again. Noelle’s fingers arched and flexed in time with their synced breathing and she hummed along with the notes filling the spaces between the world outside. She lay there, her hands moving from Erik’s head to the golden skin sheathing the corded muscles of his body. Noelle traced the braille dotting him, lost in what swept over her until his soft breaths started to tickle and she honed in on the feeling licking through her. She loved him.

Noelle must have drifted off to sleep because she was unaware of how Erik’s frame had moved from hers and came to be standing across the room, his broad back taking up the open space of the window. If it was at all possible for him to be even more beautiful, Noelle was experiencing it now. Boxer briefs snug on his lower body, he looked carved of something not of this earth. The city was still alive and she could hear the din of it filtering up from the street. It was all horns and shouts of party goers and the occasional siren off in the distance. Noelle had grown up listening the sounds of trains approaching and departing, the quiet rattle of the windows like music. She shifted and watched his minute movement when he heard the slide of her hips across the sheets.

When he crossed back to the bed, Noelle saw the apology in his features., That was how their reconciliations usually began. He’d withdraw into his own world and when he was ready to emerge he’d crack the door again. It was far from healthy, but Noelle knew that at the moment it was all he could offer. She was there in that room, her skin finally cooling, because she knew the sheer brilliance and raw pain that lingered below the surface. She hadn’t had to question why there was no family, no parents, no real friends. Life had not been the stuff of fairytales for him. Erik’s hand extended towards her until she reached out with hers, their fingers grazing then gripping. He pulled her from the bed and towards him

The white tank top and sleep shorts were damp, so she didn’t protest when he stripped both from her torso. Noelle’s stomach fluttered as Erik took a step back to rove his eyes over her. She saw the admiration in his face, felt it as his fingers began to ghost across her skin like a dance. She thought she heard him whisper she was beautiful but couldn’t be quite sure because all she could clearly hear was the sound of her heart echoing. Noelle remained as still as she could as Erik circled her, his hands trailing a split second behind him. The heat of his chest molding to her back was like fire and she sank into it. He moved slightly, left to right, hands splayed across her belly and chin tucked on her shoulder. Noelle bit her bottom lip to hold in a smile. She wanted to be angry at him, but Erik initiated moments of tenderness always softened her. She could always see just how unsure he was about being vulnerable. Noelle wanted that to blossom, not wither, so her anger would have to wait for a better time. Fully relaxed into him, Noelle snaked one arm back to circle Erik’s neck. This earned her a soft press of his lips to the slope of her shoulder before he turned her fully and crashed his lips to hers.

_**When you want some solitude, sugar//I want to be your lover//You can have it…** _

Erik loved the way Noelle said his name. It was like summer falling from her tongue. Warm and easy. Everything about her felt that way. The last year had been some sort of fairytale. Or at least he thought that was what it was. His life hadn’t really given him any comparison points, but he was pretty sure waking up next to her and simply existing in her world was as close as he would ever get. For him, fairytales were the stories his father told him of a mysterious homeland that was slowly coming into focus. Erik knew more about nightmares and the elements that made them very much real when his eyes were open. He knew about bloodshed and trauma and absence. Those were the things he was trying to quell for himself and Noelle. It was a struggle, one that he’d gone at alone for so long that he was afraid to let her too close lest she see the monster he felt below the surface awaken.

So, when the pressure in his chest got too tight he feigned more business out of town than he really had. Some nights he’d check into a hotel and lay prone on the bed, staring up into the hazy dark of the city. If he was lucky, his eyes would drift closed and a black and dreamless sleep would win the battle. When he wasn’t lucky, the sun would rise and his eyes would burn from yet another missed sleep cycle. He never wanted Noelle to see him running on fumes. The parts of him he kept sequestered were balanced by the love he poured into her. Had anyone ever inquired, Erik would have told the entire world what he knew about that emotion he’d learned from her.

But there were those nights when he didn’t want to hide away, those nights he wanted to feel the steady thump of her heart in his ear and fall asleep to the quiet way she hummed while she massaged his scalp. That’s all he’d wanted tonight, but his absences and reappearances were starting to take a toll on her. She questioned him and he’d refused to answer. He was afraid if he was honest the light she shone on him would dim. So, he’d quietly gathered his keys and left. That was until the guilt of abandoning her for being concerned cloaked him. When he’d returned, Noelle had swung open the door then retreated back to the bedroom without a word. In the living room, he’d stripped down and gathered himself. In the blued dark of the city, Erik wanted to tell her she was beautiful, but he settled for sheepishly making his way to the bed and curling around her body like a big cat. She’d simply opened her arms and waited for him to settle into his favorite spot, whispering what he’d started to think of as some sort of incantation until he felt the weight of the world slipping from his shoulders.

When his eyes opened again, the room was no longer blued. It was silver, painted by the moonlight coming from the open window. He moved from her space, a bit angry at himself when he felt the slickness of her hot skin. He’d placed his comfort over hers. The sounds of the city were always comforting to him and for a moment he lost himself in them. The quiet hiss of Noelle’s skin across the sheets stilled him before he turned to her. She was indeed beautiful and before he knew it he was back across the room and moving her towards him. Her skin, her clothes, everything, was damp from the heat. He took time stripping the clothing from her then stepping back to admire that which he sometimes could not believe was his.

Erik wanted to stop the world and exist in that very moment forever. Because in that span of time he had everything he wanted. Calm. Comfort. Love. Noelle. But the course of his entire history let him know he should enjoy it while it lasted. Good times were fleeting. He felt as if he was living on borrowed time with Noelle. This kind of life was too good to be true. Erik, determined to gather every bit of happiness he could, molded his chest to Noelle’s back and felt her relax into him. His body moved like instinct with the music barely audible above the noise coming from the window. The urge to kiss her was overwhelming. Her soft whimper into his mouth was his undoing. He gripped the flesh at her waist to hold her flush to him, backed her with his body back towards the bed. When the edge of the mattress hit the back of her knees, he felt her buckle slightly and used the weight of his frame to bring them both down into the rumpled sheets.

While Noelle maneuvered her body further to a steadier position, Erik shoved the constricting boxers from his legs. Nudeness now matching hers, Erik’s fingers resumed their earlier exploration. He loved Noelle’s shyness. How she fought to keep her eyes open while he found new points of pleasure hidden on her body. How she strained not to dig her nails into his back as he pushed his thickness into her for the first of many times to come that night. Or how she gripped each side of his face as she kissed him, tentatively then like an explosion of passion and love all melded into one. That’s how she kissed him now, like her blood was on fire. Erik hooked both of her shapely legs around his waist to get closer. Something in him, maybe the absence of the last few weeks, wanted to find a way to make their bodies seem like one. It wasn’t just sex. It was a thank you for loving him, for letting him unfurl himself at his own pace. It was a way to connect with her raw and open.

Erik buried his face in the crux of her shoulder to get closer to the sound of her. He needed to hear the way she said his name like he had the answers to the world’s questions, like she needed him as much as he needed her. Whatever he had, for as long as he could give it, it all belonged to Noelle. His mind. His soul. As much of his heart as he could give.

**_You can have your way if you decide to stay…_ **


	5. Ice King (Erik's Interlude)

_Then_

**_Although you're an Ice King//Everything that you gave to me//Comes from the destitute and the torn//I can't live this life no more…_ **

 

He hated lying to her. Each time he did so, a little bit of his spirit blackened. But this? The lie he was currently spinning with heartbreaking accuracy was for the best. Out of the corner of his eye, Erik watched Noelle balance on the edge of the bed. Her phone, its bright screen highlighting her features in the dimmed room, was her focus of attention. Erik half listened to her prattling on about some accident tying up a local freeway. The words may not have registered in his mind, but her voice was imprinting. He needed to remember how her lips curled around his name. The way love slid from her tongue. Erik needed to remember each and every thing about her.

Had he his way, he would have stopped the movement of his hands and balanced next to her, used his fingers to run the smooth expanse of her face and memorize how each bit of her was put together while he still had time. Erik couldn’t do that. Instead, he had to steal glances as he continued to fold clothing into a set of small duffle bags. This was their ritual every time he left on a trip. She’d sit just out of his line of sight and talk with him until it was time for goodbye. Then she’d walk him to the door, kiss him, and tell him to be good as he backed down the hallway towards the elevator. When the doors slid closed the last thing he would see was her smile. 

Erik made a few noises of affirmation as he ducked into the bathroom to gather his essentials. He braced his hands against the cool porcelain of the sink and stared at himself in the mirror. His eyes looked haunted. This is what he was good at, leaving before things got too solid. Except this time Noelle’s love was like quicksand he was fighting himself out of. Erik didn’t know how to grasp onto her nor did he know how to allow her to carry him for even the briefest time. The world was closing in around him and instead of fighting, he was giving in without protest. In the bathroom, he gave himself a moment to tuck the threads of regret back into their places. He wanted her last images of him to be of the man he thought he’d been to her.

He called her name softly as he reentered the room. He almost hadn’t wanted to because she would move and he would be forced to look into her face again. It was breaking his heart. She smiled at him, tossed her phone onto the plush comforter, and started towards him. Erik wanted to run. He was terrified the touch of her body to his would be the reason he stayed. He had to go. He cursed the last two years of his life. He’d gotten comfortable with Noelle, had fallen into a routine that involved answering to her wants and needs and being considerate of her feelings. It wasn’t a bad life. It was life he never knew he wanted. It wasn’t until her that he realized how he looked forward to small acts of daily living.

Erik knew when the milk was running low. He knew the kind of hand soap she preferred in the kitchen. Erik could walk into a library and emerge with a book she’d fall in love with. He knew her favorite underwear and the cut of socks she liked. He had memorized how quickly she used her hair products and how she curled into a ball when cramps settled in monthly. He was grateful for all of it. With her, in all of life’s mundane normalcy, was heaven. But heaven wasn’t meant for men like him. 

For every bit of him that wanted to love and protect Noelle, he knew he’d ruin her. This was the best way. As she snuggled into his arms, he repeated this to himself. He repeated it until the bags were packed and the two of them were standing in the doorway of the apartment. Those words kept echoing as the elevator doors slide closed, dimming her smile for the last time.

**_You said I was your princess baby//I told you certain things you can't possess//So let me go let me go…_ **


	6. Gravity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended Listening: Gravity by Sara Bareilles
> 
> A/N: Bold italics are lyrics. This is an except from Noelle’s journal that was eventually turned into her book. This is a long interlude, y’all!

_Something always brings me back to you//It never takes too long//No matter what I say or do//I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone…_

February 18th

Last week, Jamira reached out to me. There was no mention of your name, but as with anything remotely related to you it opened the floodgates I thought time had made impossible. It’s late evening and I should be in bed. There’s someone in it, snoring and warm, but here I am. Sitting on my sofa in a darkened room, listening to tear inducing songs, writing a letter I’ll never send.

I thought I’d erased all traces of you from my social media, my life. I’ve blocked and unfollowed and ignored so many in order to make sure I can breathe, but the thought of you still moves me. It’s been a year since I’ve seen you or heard your voice. My ignored messages were all I could bear. I’d gone back and forth so many times trying to figure out a way to cobble together a friendship with you, to get you to come back. I should have known that was impossible. What? With me still in love with you in ways that would never be reciprocated and you wanting to forget I ever existed? What was there to build on? I stepped back. Waited to see you’d notice. Care. Question. Respond. Anything. You didn’t and there was nothing more that needed to be said.

I went to London last summer. Alone. I spent a week wandering around the city before I headed to Oxford. I wanted to prove I could be there in some ways. In a city that reminds me of you, of what could have been. When we were there, you took a video of me on the Eye. I remember waving at the camera, smiling. It reminded me of one of those home reels from long before we were born. The ones that show mothers and fathers as people before children and responsibilities? I thought we were headed down that path. I was very wrong. London, and then Oxford, made me feel strong. I made it without falling apart. I’m so much stronger than I ever knew. I used to liken you, memories, what we were to bruises. I used to place myself in situations, listen to songs, read things, look at profiles in an effort to see how much I could take before I broke. I rarely do that these days.

I searched your last name in my e-mail last week, convinced I’d erased all of our back and forth, the pictures, and the texts. I hadn’t. I looked at them for such a long time. Remembering. Hoping and upset at the same time. We looked happy. For as much as they sent me into a tailspin, I was grateful they were there. Because I’ve started to forget what you look like. Your voice. Your smell. How you feel. And I’m sad. It’s a stupid sadness. Wanting, missing, loving someone who has erased you. I made it through those pictures and slid them back into the recesses of my inbox. I know I will need them again one day.

I say that not because my life is filled with voids because of you. To be honest, it is. I miss who we were to each other. I read every single one of those e-mails and saved texts over the course of two days, stopping to remember and daydream and cry and gather myself. We were such good friends, so good for each other, to each other. We pushed each other emotionally, creatively, professionally. We were silly and serious and contemplative and two people feeling out the beginnings of something beautiful. When I got to the end of those messages it felt like we’d only been away from each other for a few weeks, not a year, and all I wanted to do was to call you, e-mail you, reach out in some way. Then real life came back into focus and I knew I couldn’t, rather shouldn’t. I can always send words your way, but there’s no guarantee you’ll respond especially to something so heavy and out of the blue. Who knows if any of my ways to reach you even work. I’m still the one with a heart in knots because she can’t forget you. You told me once that you carried me with you every day. I used to believe that. I wanted to believe that because it made me feel as if I had a place, at one time held some importance. Now? I don’t think I’m even a memory to you, not even a wisp of a time past that sometimes settles on your shoulders in your quiet moments. Why would I be foolish enough to believe you’d ever think of me?

 

February 20th

I’ve spent the last two nights in some form of tears because I miss you so much it hurts. There have been men in my life since you. Some more serious than others. None of them you. That’s not an indictment on them as people. They have been sweet and creative and supportive and appreciative of me for my body, intelligence, and warmth. They are not you. For all of the smiles and sex and inside jokes and new memories I’ve created with them, they are not you. There is not the kick in my chest when I see them. I don’t feel like a part of me is missing when they aren’t around. Yes, missing them is something I’ve done, but this is not the same. Missing you is like feeling like the other shoe is always waiting to drop. Like I’m always anxious for you to come home. Like somehow this is all a dream and one of these days I’ll wake up and all of what has transpired has been a dream.

A year has dragged without you. I feel so stupid for saying that. With everything you threw at me, you are still in my heart in ways I wish you weren’t. Wish you weren’t because you don’t live there anymore, but that space is still there and it hurts. I miss my friend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my lover. I miss you. I miss our life. I miss freezing at night because of the fan. I miss gathering up your half empty glasses. I miss setting up the coffee maker for the morning. I miss you tricking me into making you sandwiches because I make them “better”. I miss late night drives. I miss everything that was our life. Again, logic would say none of that should matter considering what happened, but it does.

I don’t think I ever told you why I tried to cling to you for so long. I tried because way back when our swoon started turning into a spark, I promised that if you showed yourself to me, in your depressive state, your highs and your lows, that I would be there and I would care for you, help you through it. I clung to you because the man I loved and adored was not the man I thought would abandon me. I clung because I thought when you emerged from that low I wanted you to know I didn’t abandon you. I wanted you to know that promise meant so much to me that I was willing to sacrifice my pride, my sanity, my happiness for you. Because I didn’t want you to be alone. Maybe it was a mistake to hold on for so long. I just thought I needed to fight for you, even when your actions told me you weren’t willing to do the same for me.

For a long time, I’d hope that one day my phone would light up with a notification, a text, a call, anything from you. Something to let me know that I wasn’t just some footnote in your life. It hasn’t happened and I’m pretty sure it never will. Sometimes I think we loved in a way that was too idealistic. Thought we had something that was unique in the world. Thought somehow we would be different. It felt good to think that, to be caught in the passion and excitement of feeling as if you’d met the person who fit you in ways no one else had. Again, I miss us. I miss you.

I used to hope that I’d run into you at some event Jamira invited me to and we’d see each other and that spark would reignite. That we’d see each other and smile from across the room. That we’d hug and realize where we were supposed to be. That we’d come back from the world and realize what we had in each other. I wanted that so badly. I want that so badly. I used to think that if you ever approached me about reconciling, I would be cold. Explain to you that as much as I might love you, after everything that was done, I couldn’t because I have to have some basic self-respect. I don’t think I would hold myself to that. Sometimes, I think you don’t reach out to me because you know just how much you hurt me and reaching out is something that may blow up in your face. You threw me away. And in the end, here I am bruised, damaged, and alone.

 

**_You hold me without touch//You keep me without chains//I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love//And not feel your reign…_ **

 

March 1st

The last bit of you that I can pull together in my mind is only sound. I can hear the ding of the elevator, the thump of you dropping the duffel bags to the metal floor, and the last bit of I love you as the doors slid closed. I’m afraid that before, and if, we ever speak again you will be nothing more than a ghost. I know I’m already one to you. I used to hope that you secretly pined over me, remembered me. Laughed at something and wished I was there to do the same. Read something and knew I’d be interested. Wrote something and wanted my opinion. I just wanted you to remember me. I guess it’s less painful to think I never cross your mind than to know I do and you just don’t care to reach out to me. I hope you know I would answer every time.

I’m writing this because I don’t want to send my words into your world only to have them ignored or misconstrued. I’m writing this because maybe if I can get this all out, I can sleep tonight without crying. Maybe over the next few days the wounds will close up again and I can get on with the business of living a life without you. I’m not sure how many times I will need to write out how I feel only to save it to my computer, but I will. I won’t lie and say that one day I hope you read these and know just how much you are loved.

 

March 3rd

I’ve been listening to sad songs for days now. This morning I have listened to Stevie Wonder’s Golden Lady countless times. Of all the songs you used to create my playlists, this is the one that jolts me the most. I read in one of our chats the other night that you wanted me to listen between the lines of the songs you sent me. This song, for whatever reason, seems to be the one that makes me remember just how we began, what we were.

When I read back what I wrote the other night “were” was littered throughout. There’s such finality in that word. A finality that I should accept. It’s clear I haven’t.

I should know better than to believe there is any room in your life for me. I remember how focused your love felt. Like I was the only woman in the world. Until I wasn’t. You told me that you’ve never gone back to an old flame. Is that because you raze the land in ways that make it impossible? That there are no bridges to travel to get back to those hearts? Or are those paths blocked by the shame of what you’ve done?

So again, I find myself at the same impasse. Wanting you, loving you, while knowing I should do nothing except forget you.

**_Something always brings me back to you//It never takes too long…_ ** ____


	7. End of the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended Listening: End of the World by Redline Graffiti   
> A/N: Bold italics are lyrics. No dialogue.

**_I don't need you to save my world, I only need you in it//Come now, subtle muse, no subterfuge//Don’t front on me…_ **

Erik was nervous. It was an usual feeling for him, but the emotion had settled squarely on his shoulders and was refusing to let go. It weighed him down, pulled his mind in every direction all at once. He was full of what ifs, then whats, and maybes. He tugged at the cuffs of his crisp white shirt and adjusted the brushed gold cufflinks dotting each wrist. He straightened then re-knotted his tie and then removed it all together. He switched shoes from a pair of supple tan loafers to a pair of well burnished desert boots. He debated leaving his locs free about his face, but settled on culling them into a loose bun atop his freshly lined and faded hair. 

Time was running out as he slid a thin billfold and his phone into his back pocket, slipped a set of prayer beads onto his wrist, and palmed his keys. Ready or not, it was time. The voices on the radio annoyed him and music was nothing more than a jangle of sound so he opted for silence, listened only to the whoosh of his tires against the road and the whistle of air through the partially cracked car windows. Over the horizon, miles from his home, loomed the white pitch of a tent. He could make out the colorful bodies entering into and milling about the structure. His stomach clenched. It was like he could sense Noelle.

It had been three weeks since he’d shown up uninvited to her reading. Three weeks he’d had to dissect and internalize her book. Three weeks since he found himself wandering the rooms of his home with the book curled around his fingers, her words making it impossible for him to sit still. The energy from the page had morphed into guilt and his only respite was aimless walking while he tried to dig between the lines. It hadn’t been hard to accomplish that task. Noelle’s pain, especially in the early chapters, was raw. The paragraphs had been plucked directly from letters she’d written to him and never had the heart to send. That revelation wasn’t cockiness, rather the understanding and shame of a man now trying to claw his way out from the abyss. He was glad for the buffer of both time and medium. Having to have face Noelle’s pain in person would have broken him. But he deserved it.

When the elevator doors had slid closed, his smile dropped the moment the metal seamed together. The swift ride of the car down to the lobby had been much too quick for him to change his mind about what he was doing, but there had been ample time for him to figure out he was wrong. It had been enough time for him to recognize the ripple effect his actions were setting into motion. But his desire to save himself had been stronger than his desire to love Noelle. So, he’d found himself sitting in traffic, caught in the accident aftermath she’d been reading about. It was the universe’s way of punishing him. 

For hours the cars in front of him crawled, snaked, and flat out stood still while his mind chose to remember each portion of his life with Noelle. It was torture, but now her book had let him know that his plight had been nothing compared to what she’d gone through. He’d imploded the world around her while he’d moved deeper into the heart of the city and into the crowds she generally avoided. With a city of so many bodies moving at their own paces and towards their own goals, it hadn’t been hard to avoid her. Although there had been times he’d scanned a crowd and his heart stopped at the sight of her. Those had been the early months, but by the time a year had passed Erik had successfully managed to freeze her image in the back of his mind and out of his day to day consciousness. Her name had come up occasionally and he was always glad for it. Even if he hadn’t been privy to the details of her life, he’d at least known she was whole and healthy. 

Erik had been on his way to carving out a beautiful life with Noelle, but old demons died hard. He'd learned quite well over the years that people often let you down. He’d known not to let anyone get too close, lest he run the risk of being hurt. Or him hurting them. His solitude had been everything he needed. Still, at events like these, Jamira and Justin’s yearly celebration of their union, he yearned for someone of his own. If he was honest, he yearned for Noelle. Pulling a swing of imported beer from the green glass bottle, he shifted his attention to the fidgety woman across the open space. She looked lost in thought for a moment and then like a ball of energy trying to find a safe place to explode. He started towards her before he could stop himself and before he knew it his body was pressed to hers by “accident”.   
The brief nervous chuckle that poured from the woman in front of him both aroused and warmed. But that laugh made him focus on her berry lips. His hunger for them spiked. She whispered her thanks in a voice that coiled his stomach. Erik’s response was a simple nod of his dark head before he pulled a chair over and took a seat of his own. Once Noelle settled, he found himself staring into the eyes of the intriguing woman. Struggling to keep his composure and staring at her lips again, Erik took a second before he spoke. Could he reveal to her that something about her drew him like no other woman in his lifetime? That he needed to stay away from her or he would do something he may regret tomorrow morning? Erik knew that staying away would be easier said than done.

Erik gave a half smile as he gathered her hand. The fit of their palms surprised them both. Each glanced at the intertwined digits. Erik squeezed gently and his dimples flashed again. 

**_It’s the end of the world//I need you here//It can be the end of the world sometimes//Feels like the end of the world right now//This is going to cost me my pride//Outright…_ **

Noelle had been looking over her shoulder for three weeks. Ever since she’d told Erik to find her after he’d read her book, she had known it was only a matter of time before he made his presence known again. Erik was wickedly smart so getting through the several hundred pages wouldn’t be hard for him. She hadn’t counted on the emotional reading it would take for him as well. 

So, when one week had stretched into two and into the third, she’d stopped jumping every time she heard movement outside her door. She stopped glancing at her phone every few moments hoping in some way to see an unfamiliar number. It was foolish of her to think that time had changed anything. Time had only made him forget the details of her, not that he hadn’t wanted her. Noelle let her eyes drift closed briefly, an attempt to reset herself.

She smoothed the orange blossom patterned romper over her thighs and wiggled her toes in the cork wedges. She felt pretty, but she also wanted to vomit. For the last two years, Jamira and Justin’s anniversary party set her aflame. She was happy for her friends, but she was also keenly aware Justin and Erik were still close and the possibility of seeing him increased. The first year after Erik’s disappearance, she had shown up dressed to the nines in a black dress that knew every curve of her body. By the end of the night, the red of her lipstick against the whiskey glass matched the color of her eyes. She’d felt foolish and hated herself for thinking he’d show his face let alone want anything to do with her. Tonight, the second year she’d turned into a ball of nerves, was much more casual. She twirled the liquid of a hard cider in the bottle grasped between her fingers before taking a sip. The peach and apple combination went down smoothly. 

The clang of drums and guitars tuning mixed with a DJ setting up his booth let Noelle know the night would be a long one. Jamira and Justin never did anything halfway. Sliding from her perch at the bar, Noelle strolled across the temporary dancefloor in the center of the tent. She should have eaten before the first drink and now she felt a bit fuzzy around the edges. She needed to be alert in case Erik showed up. She filled a small plate with miniature crab cakes, risotto balls, and hummus before heading back to her seat. The DJ had started a set of filler music, light R&B meant to facilitate conversation while the rest of the entertainment finished prepping. 

Noelle’s plate clinked against the marble topped bar. She twisted her body towards the high set stool and collided with the one person she’d been afraid to see. Erik. Their shoulders and hands brushed as they both attempted to claim ownership of the chair. He chuckled. She blushed. With an exaggerated bow, he relinquished the chair to her and gripped her waist to lift her onto it. His hands lingered, eyes locked with hers. She watched the pink of his tongue swipe across his bottom lip, smelled the spice of his skin, and listened to his caress of her name in the matter of what seemed like seconds. The hint of dimples he'd shown while holding her fit the endearing lopsided grin she'd never tire of.  
The large, muscled frame of his body was perfectly outlined in a pair of dark rinse jeans and a white buttoned shirt. His massive hands had lifted her body with a care their size belied. She'd wondered briefly what it would be like to be held in them again and coaxed to heights she'd experienced so many nights in the past. But what had attracted her most were those dark eyes pulsing with a bit of arrogance and a sense of trepidation she'd seen in her own many times before. Erik was not as confident as he may have appeared to others. 

It had taken all the strength she possessed to pull her eyes from Erik’s and come back to reality or at least what she was considering reality. Noelle nearly whispered her gratitude as she settled into her seat. The heat of Erik’s hand in hers had almost sent her scurrying back to one of the party shuttles and back to her home. She'd almost leaned into his arms. Lest she embarrass herself, it was time to retreat. 

**_Oh, it’s the end of the world//And I knew it would come//Won't you do me this solid and//Go in my arms?_ **


	8. Never Felt This Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended Listening: Never Felt This Way by Brian McKnight  
> Bold italics are lyrics. No dialogue

**_There will never come a day/You'd ever hear me say/That I want and need to be without you/I want to give my all/Baby just hold me, simply control me/'Cause your arms, they keep away the lonelies/When I look into your eyes/Then I realize/That all I need is you in my life…_ **   


This was familiar, the solidness of Erik’s body next to hers and the scent of sandalwood and fresh soap. If she closed her eyes tightly enough, Noelle could almost make herself believe she was two years in the past and this was any other dance she and Erik had shared. So that’s what she did. At the first feel of his hand caressing the small of her back, she let her lids flutter closed and let him set the pace. She was grateful for the languid tempo of the song, how it seemed to drag on into the night. Noelle felt the vibration of Erik humming with the lyrics and placed her head to his chest. The width of his hand spanned her waist more tightly.

By chance, her fingers caught the edge of his freshly cut hair and the memory of cupping his head as she kissed him projected vividly behind her lids. It set off heat from her core, pulled an ache into her heart. Noelle had missed him more than she’d ever cared to admit. Something as simple as the weight of his hand at the crux of her hip was short-circuiting her senses. Fear and common sense were telling her to run, but lonely and love and nostalgia were keeping her rooted in place. She wanted to feel him, wanted this moment to lose herself in every bit of him that was now standing before her. 

Noelle was fascinated by the scars most of all. There certainly had been a few when they’d been together, but the intricate pattern of raised skin had grown by leaps and bounds since he’d disappeared into the night. His forearms and each bit of skin she could spy beneath, and through his shirt, was covered in deliberate markings. She noted several were sloppy, longer and thinner than those laid out like a mosaic. Noelle guessed those scars were the hardest, the ones he’d wanted to feel the most, made in passion and haste as a reminder of what he’d done. A small band of them were directly in the center of his chest, thin like threads holding in his heart.

She’d found her fingers traveling the length of his arm, lost in the feel of the bumps beneath the finely woven cotton. It was soothing in a way Noelle hadn’t anticipated. Around them, the band and the great outdoors fought to be heard, but for her the insistent chirping of crickets and the raspy snare drum were partners in a dance just as she and Erik now moved across the parquet floor. Their food and drinks were long forgotten on the marble topped bar and Noelle couldn’t quite remember how she’d come to be wrapped in his arms while his hands ghosted against her waist and then her hips. But it felt like home. He felt like home.

Erik called her name softly, the honey of his baritone making her flutter a bit before she looked up at him. There was something in his eyes, a question or perhaps an answer, but Noelle couldn’t be quite sure. It looked as if he wanted to say something, anything, but thought better of it before he tightened his arms and she closed her eyes again. In the darkness, Noelle was able to concentrate on his scent, the warmth of him, and the steady rise and fall of his chest. He was nervous. She could tell by the tips of his fingers changing position against her body. Erik was a master of stillness and in this moment he wasn’t able to center himself. In another life she was confident she was able to soothe him. Now, she didn’t know. Time has a way of changing things. Not for the better and not for the worse, just changed. Life happens and memories fade. People shed themselves and are born anew. This was Erik, but it wasn’t. She’d be foolish to believe he was just as he’d been two years ago.

Noelle sighed and felt Erik shift. He pushed her gently back to get a good look at her face. He was concerned, that much was clear through the furrow of his brow and the set of his jaw. He mumbled something and set their bodies in motion towards the door. She trailed slightly behind him, his grip on her hand firm. His palms were rough and Noelle felt her temperature spike at the memories that washed over her. Those hands were like magic, like silk and steel and fire all wrapped up into a man with mournful eyes.

_**How it takes my breath/Starts a burning in my chest/Make me weak, when I think about you/Makes me want to give my all/Life wouldn't mean a thing/Not a happy song to sing/Just emptiness if I had to live without you/When I look into your eyes/Then I realize/That all I need is you in my life…** _

Noelle’s fingers skimming the back of his neck felt like fire against Erik’s skin. He was sure she wasn’t aware they were feathering against him in time with the music. He was almost afraid to move to the beat lest she change position. A quick glance down at her told him she was in her own world. Erik studied her through hooded eyes. The sun had started its descent across the lake, casting a golden glow on the dancefloor and directly onto her. If ever Noelle had an aura this was it. Subtle, but wildly beautiful. He was glad her eyes were closed. That way, she couldn’t see how his eyes rested on her and softened with each breath he took. He’d missed her so much over the last few years.

His fingertips tingled each time she shifted in his arms and the silky fabric strained against her frame. His mind trailed to the letters he’d written her over the time he’d been gone. Letters he’d been to afraid to send. He had them still, bound in a box and tucked away in a drawer. 

_I feel like a bomb waiting to explode. Feel like these feelings won’t be tucked back into my chest until I send words your way. And what happens if you respond? What if you tell me that all you were waiting on was for me to reach out. What could we possibly build? We used to think it was you and me against the world. Any reconciliation would mean just that. I’m not sure we are strong enough to go it alone._

_And if you don’t respond? It will be just another way I’ve managed to internalize the hurt of leaving you._

_It’s been two years, of which my eyes have rested on nothing but pictures. I am not sure our story has another breath. Perhaps if things had ended differently. If we broke up on good terms, if a breakup could ever be such. Maybe if we’d woken up one morning and decided that we’d run our course. We both know that is not how it happened. What I did was wrong. I miss you, Noelle. I love you._

 

**_'Cause I've never felt this way about lovin'/Never felt so good/Never felt this way about lovin'/It feels so good…_ **


End file.
